Learning through the midlife awakening

I'm halfway up the mountain...

Hi there midlife awakening! I see you excavating my whole world inside and out. I feel you bringing up my unconscious patterns for review. Asking me to be discerning about what I will be taking with me in this next phase of life.

So much of my life feels up for review lately! Like I'm an adventurer climbing a mountain, I've gone out fast, forging ahead and now I'm at the halfway point rest stop - deciding where to go from here.

For so long, I've been practicing the mantra "One step at a time. One foot in front of the other!" Over and over to just get through. To get through school, to just get through the next day of work, so I can get enough money to buy a house, to just get through the planning the wedding, to just get through the pregnancy, the birth, the first year, the next pregnancy and so it keeps going over and over... "One step at a time. One foot in front of the other!"

And now here I am 43, Uranus has tapped on my shoulder and whispered

"Hey babe, I've been watching you. I see how intently you've been climbing this mountain. Yes I know you've been striving and pushing and caring and doing all the things you were told to. I hear you! But I'm not sure you know that you are halfway there. Why don't you just stop, just for a moment. Take a breath. Take a look back over your shoulder. Take a peek at all you have done, created, been. Why don't you take a seat. Let's take a look at your life as it is now. How about we reflect on how it's been. Before you start to forge ahead."

And shit, I mean I've been through some breakdown-to-breakthrough moments in the past. Becoming a mother and parenting has been one of my biggest teachers. I thought I was well prepared for this. And maybe am which why instead of white-knuckling it, instead of clenching those butt cheeks and getting on with it no matter what. I was able to hear Uranus when it whispered. Maybe that's why I chose to stop, to breathe and honour this moment in my life.

I've been reflecting, sifting through what I used to value - friendships, dreams, visions for my future. Dissecting current interactions. Feeling how I react, hearing how I speak, through different conversations. Noticing when I feel valued. Noticing all of the unconscious ways my body is communicating to me.

I feel myself questioning so many things. "what do I actually believe in?" "What am I no longer willing to put up with?" My body is showing me where I have pushed it to breaking point and the cracks are showing - thankfully in small manageable ways. She is quietly asking me to get my shit together! No more putting myself aside. No more self-sacrificing!

As this excavation has been underway I have been grateful to past Mel for doing all of that self development work and for having a fully stocked 'Resourcing' First Aid kit. It has allowed me to have the awareness and sit with all the discomfort bubbling up. To notice when I want to run away or make rash decisions. To notice what my body is moving toward and is feeling lit up by. To notice what it is moving away and retreating from. This is happening in all areas of life. One thing that has been surprising is how valuable having the language of Human Design has been. Through this challenging underworld journey my embodiment of this system has deepened.

So as I sit here halfway up the mountain, I can feel you sitting next to me. Sharing stories of what's on our heart and visioning into the future. A hand made cup of ceremonial cacao cradled in our hands. Gathering the strength to continue our journey. Except this time, our packs only carrying the things we love, value and choose to carry.

Sending so much love,

Mel xx